The Mind Body Blog

How intentionality without purpose can feel like a chore

Each year I ask my clients to reflect on the previous 12 months and to look toward the next 12 months. I don’t speak about resolutions. Rather I challenge them to ask what they want to be more intentional about. The responses tend to be healthy and reasonable and include goals to be more social, save money, workout, etc. Intentionality requires deeper contemplation and commitment than a New Year’s resolution. Intentionality allows us to be in the moment with our goals and to understand that creating new habits is not linear or fixed. “Dry January” doesn’t have to be just another internet challenge or some sort of atonement for holiday indulgence, but perhaps a reflection on an individual’s relationship with alcohol that goes deeper than just pure abstinence. To intentionally start a fitness routine, one would do well to find reasons for this change other than losing weight or for “being bad” during the holidays. Intentionality offers us grace and a space to evaluate our values. Let’s hear it for intentionality! 

Except, maybe not so much? Now don’t misunderstand, we benefit greatly from being more intentional. But, we were never meant to be intentional about EVERYTHING. It’s actually kind of exhausting. Especially when being intentional feels more like a requirement because everything is … the way it is. 

Post election, folks talked about making space for joy. But what happens when you reach a point where you cannot possibly create more space? Just about everyone I know is working beyond their capacity. We’re experiencing burnout on an unprecedented level. And whenever we clear out a little bit of space in our emotional containers, something else is waiting to hop on in. And even though we may engage in healthy behaviors that expand our capacity, it’s often only temporary. Our jars are overflowing and it’s not enough to reach for another container because we just fill that up too; a lesson I learned the hard way.

Late summer of this year I started taking Vyvanse, a medication prescribed to treat ADHD. I knew I always had problems with attention and focus, but I managed to get by ok. Then work and life became more demanding, and I had trouble keeping with my daily tasks. 

At first the medication was like a dream drug. I was able to stay focused and complete notes on time. I was much more productive around the house, and I noticed a significant improvement in my energy levels. I didn’t have random songs stuck in my head. My memory improved. I started reading more, and I didn’t feel the itch to get on my phone during a movie or TV show. I felt like I had been running on E most of my life, and now I had a full tank. But as they say, there is no magic pill for anything. 

I dug into my work trying to get Mind/Body Strength Training off the ground. I came up with a marketing plan and designed my own logo and tshirts. And let me tell you, I spent hours working on this damn design. I made sketch after sketch after sketch. Building this program was all I could talk about. I was working well into the evening, something I never do. The meds made my tendency to hyperfixate worse, but gave me the illusion that I was getting so much done. All of this felt completely normal by the way. 

The medication’s benefits started to wane however. I would begin each day with the same surge of energy and productivity. But by the afternoon I felt my mood fall through the floor. I was sad for no reason, and so extremely tired that I had to nap between clients, again something I never do. I was irritable and anxious. I could not stay still or stop picking at my skin or biting my nails even if I wanted to. Something was really wrong. I reluctantly reached out to my psychiatrist. I say reluctantly because even after all of that, I felt like being productive was more important than my mental health. Finally, when I couldn’t take it anymore, I stopped the medication and I noticed my symptoms reduced almost immediately. 

A as clinician, I was frustrated because I thought I should have know better. I should have done something sooner. Of course I know that therapists are not immune to mental health struggles. In reality, I feel like this experience has given me a great deal of clarity that my clients can benefit from.

The medication may have increased the size of my container. But it didn’t stop me from overfilling it because my attention span wasn’t really the issue, it’s internalized ableism fueled by our destructive, capitalistic system that made me feel lazy. The myth of the Puritan work ethic still has us in a chokehold even after 400 years. But just like a tell my clients, and myself, you’re not lazy, you’re exhausted.

“Internalized ableism is a form of discrimination against oneself and others with disabilities, rooted in the view that disability is a source of shame, should be concealed, or warrants refusal of support or accessibility.” (Campbell FK 2009)

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• I want to note that I am not advocating against stimulants for ADHD. DO NOT stop taking your meds because of this blog. I am not a doctor. Please speak with your prescriber if you have questions or concerns about your medications.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program

So what’s the answer? Well I don’t know. No one does and anyone who says otherwise is probably full of bleep. And I’m actually ok with that. I’ve been mostly agnostic for half my life now. So I’ve grown comfortable with the unknowable. I find it grounding in a strange way. And that’s when it hit me. Burn out happens to me when I’m ungrounded. I become ungrounded when I start chasing things – recognition, money, flakey connections, likes on social media – rather than focusing on what is purposeful to me.

Creating and embracing your purpose takes time, focus, and psychological space. It is draining to bear witness to the many atrocities of our world. This is particularly true as a queer, Black woman having to fight through so many systems designed to destroy you. Sometimes it feels like there is no room for anything else. Make no mistake, this is all by design. Which is why it’s so important to find your purpose and pursue meaning in life. It’s how we survive during these times.

I’ve intentionally taken a step back from doing anything much more than the bare minimum. But let’s be real, the “bare minimum” is a lot and still includes a full time job and also dealing with racism, queer phobia, fatphobia, misogyny, the current administration, genocide … etc. But I’m not hustling anymore. None of what is happening in our world is normal, and we shouldn’t have to proceed as though it’s business as usual. 

Please take care of yourselves. You’re already doing more than you know.