Why do people repeatedly engage in harmful behavior? Ten different people will come up with ten different answers to this question. To me the answer comes down to one word: Shame. I’ll explain more later in this post. But first, we need to understand the difference between guilt and shame, because even though they are similar, their outcomes are very different.
In simple terms, guilt is “I did something bad.” While shame is “I am bad.” Both are very uncomfortable emotions. And while guilt can be painful, it is also an active emotion. Guilt has the power to move us toward accountability. Shame is a passive emotion and it allows people to center their own feelings and double down on harmful behavior.
Consider this example. While scrolling Facebook, I saw a post in which a white woman used the phrase “Say Her Name” in reference to Renee Good, the protester who was murdered by ICE last week. Commenters rightfully pointed out that co-opting this phrase is inappropriate. “Say Her Name” was created to uplift and remember Black women victims of police brutality and societal violence because we are either ignored or quickly forgotten. “Say Her Name” calls on us to fight a system that views Black women’s lives as disposable. The original poster acknowledged that they did not know the history of the phrase. But rather than take accountability, OP doubled-down because people were being “mean”.
Oh but it gets better. She went on to say that she consulted Chat GPT and it basically told her the same thing actual, factual Black women were trying to tell her. Y’all. I’m tired. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize my use of the phrase “Say Her Name” is inappropriate and I will educate myself further so I don’t repeat this mistake. I thank everyone for taking the time to correct me,” she chose to blame the Black people in her comments because she centered her own feelings.
It’s easier to act from a place of shame, rather than accountability. Shame gives us cover to repeatedly engage in the same harmful behaviors because “why even try.”
Accountability requires contrition and a deep acknowledgment of what the harmful behavior was, how it hurt the individual/community, and the actions required to make things right. It also requires acceptance that you may never be able to make things right in the eyes of the individual you hurt. Accountability is continuing to do the next right thing in the absence of forgiveness.
The most transformative types of accountability require this level of radical acceptance.
I’ve been thinking a great deal about accountability and restorative justice frameworks and how we may apply it in today’s climate. I do not believe these dark times will last forever. I don’t know what will be left after MAGA is gone – and it will be gone. But if we are to build and heal from the many tragedies unfolding before us, we need to engage in action that goes beyond punitive punishment. Please do not misunderstand me. I want to see every single person responsible for this mess face justice. I want to make sure that they are never given the opportunity to harm anyone, ever again.
I cannot deny that from a purely emotional standpoint, I want to see this administration and their enablers face the same physical and emotional violence they’ve inflicted upon others. Yet, when I examine my own moral compass, it leads me in another direction. What if justice meant something different? What if it looked less like violent punishment and more about restoration.
Can we create a system of accountability on a larger scale in order to address the societal and institutional systems that breed bigotry and violence and create a more peaceful and equitable society? What if we made white people face the shame of this country’s history of white supremacist violence? A true reckoning that requires a deep examination of the soul.
I am far from an expert in these matters. I’ve been in deep contemplation since the November 2024 election, trying to find meaning in all of these horrors. It’s led me on a journey of seeking answers that might well prove futile. That is to say that I can merely offer drafts of my thoughts – nothing fully thought out and meticulously researched. Yet not something to crumble into a paper wad and throw away.
We’re going to see a lot of people who will say they were always against this, or they didn’t know what would happen. There will be countless numbers of people who will defend their actions and who will scream and holler at the fact that they’ve been labeled as social pariahs. They will seek a path back into society by outright lying about their roles in the ongoing atrocities, or they will greatly underplay their support for the current administration. They will move toward shame and hide in the dark. We must drag them out into the light, and require them to do the work. Without this transformative action, the embers of their violent ideologies will reignite under a different name.
I don’t know exactly how this will work. The good thing is that WE get to decide how to move forward, because there is no going back.
For more information on restorative justice visit the following websites:
The Nation Center on Restorative Justice
The University of Wisconsin – Madison School of Law: Restorative Justice Project:
For information on restorative justice frameworks and state-sponsored violence:
The Mind Body Blog 
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